My bucket list

I will never jump out of an airplane, unless I see smoke shooting out of an engine or William Shatner at the window talking to a gremlin on the wing. I doubt I'll climb Kilimanjaro, or even to the top of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Hang gliding? Ziplining? I'd rather be water-boarded.

My bucket list is far tamer. To wit, before I die I want to:

1. Be the first person off an airplane. As soon as I exit the jetway I will kneel and kiss the ground in front of all the passengers waiting to board the same plane for its next flight, then yell, "Oh, sweet mother of Jesus. Thank God! Thank God! Never again will I fly! Never again!"

2. Be a cop for one day so I can ticket every A-hole who drives 50 mph in the fast lane then gives me a nasty look when I pass him.

3. Go to Fogo de Chao, or another Brazilian churrascaria, and eat so much for $50 that the manager comes by and offers me a full refund if I leave immediately.

4. Take a random photograph of a beautiful young woman and see how much I can extort from professional athletes by showing them the picture and saying, "I know all about this, and you better pay up if you don't want to see the story on TMZ."

5. Hit one drive onto the fairway (that passes the ladies' tee), one approach shot onto the green and one 50-foot putt. And just to show off for the foursome behind me, I will take an old club I do not use anymore, start swearing like a sailor, bust the club over my knee and helicopter both pieces into a water hazard. Wait a minute. I have done that. That's half an item I can cross off the list.

6. Go to a 4-H demonstration at a county fair when the little kids are showing off their prized pigs, sit in the front row and pull out a full slab of babyback ribs that I proceed to eat.

7. Just once visit my mom without her asking me if I've gained weight.

8. Ask the sommelier at a snooty restaurant for a bottle of Manischewitz Concord Grape wine then get loud and indignant when he insists they don't stock it. (If you don't get this one, ask one of your Jewish friends.)

9. Go to a restaurant in France and, in my sorry attempt at speaking French, tell another patron that "my husband is in the bathroom." Wait. I did that one already, too. The woman looked at me as if she was thinking, "Hey, I'm glad to see you're out."

10. Get seated next to Tiger Woods on a transcontinental flight (first class, of course) and constantly make comments about how hot our flight attendant is.