Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Things I think about when I can't sleep

1. Eugene H. Krabs is a crab who owns a restaurant whose specialty is a crab-patty sandwich. Why would a children's cartoon like "Sponge Bob Square Pants" promote cannibalism?

2. I'm happy Starbucks allows customers to carry concealed weapons. I plan to walk into one, whip out a snub-nosed .45 and demand the clerk immediately change the coffee sizes to "small, medium and large."

3. Why do I like Taylor Swift's music? I haven't been a 14-year-old girl in 35 years.

4. Is there any way, against all odds, that the same person who coined the word "pisser" for a urinal also devised "shitter" for a commode? Or was it two people working in concert, like scientists from two universities across the Atlantic who share a Nobel Prize?

5. Hey, look! A guy is proposing to his girlfriend on a stadium Jumbotron. Has that ever been done before?

6. How big a policy must I buy to have a shot with the Esurance girl?

7. If I start to live a good life, be nice to people and give lots of money to charity, can I ask God to smite teams that have 6-year-olds announce the hitters in the third inning?

8. I really gotta find that pony my daddy took me to ride when I was a fat little kid and apologize.

9. Background: Whenever a player hurts an arm or a leg, our first question is whether it was the left one or right one? I need to give Eli Whiteside one Hall of Fame vote someday because of one moment this spring. Whiteside took a foul tip in the worst possible spot during a minor-league camp game in which Tim Lincecum was pitching. When I walked past his locker later he said, without prompting, "It was the right one."

10. Why does Hertz keep giving me Camrys. Do they want me dead?


  1. Comedy.

    You'll have to fight me for the e-surance girl, though.

  2. On #7: 6-year-olds announce hitters in the third inning at Giants games. Are you saying you want G-d to smite the Giants?

  3. Starbucks. I don't even go there. "Small, medium, large." What's wrong with plain English?

    Well, it could be worse! Walk into a Starbucks in Moscow and you could see, "малый" "средств" and "большой"

  4. No, Bob, it's ы before д except after мал

  5. Re #10: Be thankful it's not a Cobalt.

  6. So you're joining Omar Samhan in a crush on Taylor Swift?

  7. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that about the Esurance Girl.

  8. Henry these questions are halarious so I will comment on every question. 1. Who doesn't like the fact that krabby paddies are the best and Mr. Krabbs loves money like George Steinbriener. 2. I don't think you see someone carry a gun into starbucks unless it's in the movie, Fun With Dick and Jane Oh and small medium and large go small, grande, and venti. 3. I hate taylor swift songs because my little sister sucks and singing them other then that shes hot!! 4. We all use the pisser and shitter period. 5. I laughed because I once seen a dude do that to his gf at a game and she denied him and ran off next thing you know most of the season ticke holders buy him a beer. 6. Well It depends on the Ensurance girl, you can get flow the girl on those progressive comericials or the animated one who likes money and gets the bad guys. 7. I like how they have the little girls announce the players, it's better then hearing that one girl announce Barrrrrryyy Boooonnndss!! 8. If you feel sorry for the horse imagine a dog like a bulldog like the the one my brother rode when he was younger and weighed like 200lbs at 8 and had to wear midget pants haha. 9. All I know its better left and right then dead square in the nuts. 10. You think camerys are bad try those new little box on wheels that two people could pick up and move (you know the lil box on wheels) thats death if you hit and animal.

  9. Hank! May I call you that, Henry? :) Just some random thoughts of my own. When are you coming back to Ceres? The Curier could use a boost in circulation. (+1) Your thoughts on bathrooms, are you making a veil derogatory comment on the Turlock Urinal? Your old arch nemesis. I can't wait till the baseball season heats up, you will be dead tired and your sleeping patterns will be much better. Keep up the good work. Go Giants!!!