Monday, April 26, 2010

Ten more items for my bucket list

Before I die, I want to:

1. Carry a jumbo can of spray paint into a parking garage and tag the word "COMPACT" across every SUV parked in a spot marked "COMPACT."

2. See what kind of fun I could have in a Hummer equipped with a front-end cow catcher at one of those Friday rush-hour rallies when bicyclists block the streets in downtown San Francisco. What do they call those? Critical Mass? Tour de A-hole?

3. Walk into a restaurant wearing dark glasses, tapping a cane and holding a harness in the other hand attached to a cat.

4. Write a book.

5. Read a book.

6. Stand in the center of the Sistine Chapel for an hour taking 1,000 photos of the floor, then looking at the other tourists like they're crazy.

7. Work ONE series in Florida without a rain delay. Just ONE.

8. Buy a funeral home and wait for an airline executive to come in to pre-plan a funeral, so I can say, "Well, your best bet is to die on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Saturday. The coffin will cost $2,000 if you die two weeks in advance. It is nonrefundable, but you can change the date of your funeral for a $500 fee. And by the way, every artifact you put into the casket to take to the afterlife is $50.

9. Watch a married couple and their lawyers finalize a divorce on a stadium Jumbotron.

10. Enjoy one delicious hot dog without some A-hole riding to Critical Mass saying, "You don't want to know what's in that."


  1. The day you finally arrange to fulfill Wish #2 -- call me. I definitely want to ride shotgun...

  2. My bucket list item: Soak a rag in chloroform, cover Renel's face and spare Giants fans from anymore of her screech.

  3. To accomplish #9, take in a Dodgers game. The McCourt's divorce is on in all it's soap opera glory.

  4. No photos in the Sistine Chapel! .... I was just there. The guards yell at you if they see you lining up a shot.

  5. I have your back with #1 if you add a BART parking lot.

  6. I've always liked Drew Magary's kiss cam fantasy: Get drunk and look for nothing but siblings.

  7. Tour de A-hole ... That is awesome! Why can't they wear normal clothes to ride a bike?

  8. How was the weather in FLA? And while you're at it, any other complaints about having one of the best jobs known to man?