Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ten things that I can't get out of my head

1. Why is it that commercial drivers need training and a special license to prove they can safely drive a truck for a living, yet any coke-addled yokel can slap $19.95 on the counter at U-Haul and rent one?

2. I am a reasonable, mature adult, yet I cannot see or hear the name of Seattle pitcher Doug Fister without giggling.

3. If umpires were allowed to carry tasers, there'd be a lot fewer ejections in baseball.

4. The day airlines start allowing cellphone calls in flight is the day I rent a screaming baby for retaliation. You can get one for $19.95 at U-Haul.

5. The companies that produce Alec Baldwin's Schwetty Balls and Betty White's delicious muffin are ripe for a merger.

6. I'd wager a week's pay that boys named Peter, Willie, Dick and Johnson statistically get into more fights in junior high than the student population as a whole.

7. If the sun really is going to devour Earth and burn out someday, why should I pay all these flippin' tickets I'm getting?

8. Eight nights in Pittsburgh and Cincinnati on the next road trip. Par-TAY!

9. Each time I hear some family's precious soccer star screech the batting order in the third inning in San Francisco, or yell, "It's time for Dodger baseball" in L.A., I'm sure my life is being shortened by at least a day.

10. I have $19.95. Can I rent a taser at U-Haul?


  1. Priceless, Henry! Hella funny stuff :)

  2. Re: point #9. I'm sure Larry Baer and the rest of the Giants' promotion staff will send you a nice fruit basket for that one.

  3. "I got a delivery for Asswipe Johnson?"

    "It's pronounced 'Ah-zwee-pay'"

  4. #5. WTF were you smoking when you came up with that?!

  5. #1 .. also the blind or feeble retired people driving gargantuan RVs (often with a poodle or chihuahua on their lap). My rig is 70 feet long, but a 40+ foot RV towing a 20 foot SUV is about the same. I want a special license and drive test for big RVs.